So, this is it. I'm officially blogging for the first time - seriously blogging anyway - I don't quite think a couple of joke-type things on MySpace really counts. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this yet, but I suppose we'll find out as time goes on. I was inspired by reading a few of my friends' blogs to start one of these. After all, some things make more sense once you get them outside of your mind. I have a tendency when journaling to make myself sound better than I really am - don't ask me why - I know that no one reads it so there is no real reason for it. I'm making a vow now to try to be as honest as possible on here. I do believe certain things need discretion and maybe shouldn't be posted on the internet for all the world to see - those things can stay between me and God and the pages of my journal.

Which brings me to my next thought - I think all the time, "oh, I should write about this in my journal." However, the last time I consistently wrote in my journal was when I was in South Africa last summer - one whole year ago! I have made a few randomly spaced entries since then, but that's it. I would really like to be more consistent in that area of my life.

Speaking of being consistent, one thing I really, really need to work on is spending time with the Lord and in His word on a daily basis. I have struggled with this for as long as I have known the Lord. I am just so stinkin' lazy and the string of excuses seem never ending and always justifiable. The fact of the matter is that I just don't want to face certain issues in my life. I know that doing so will be hard and painful so instead of drawing near to the Lord, I push myself away from Him to avoid these things. It's quite embarrassing and makes me feel ashamed to call myself a Christian. I yearn for a better relationship with the Lord but do nothing to make the current state of it any better.

My current state of affairs makes me relate to Paul when he said "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the esire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it...So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!...So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." (Romans 7:15-25)

I know that those of you reading this, if you are a Christian, can probably relate. We all come to a point in our lives when we feel as filthy, disgusting and undeserving as we really are. That's when the grace and mercy of the Lord seem the most amazing! That's when the gift of salvation is most appreciated! Praise God for sending his Son to this sinful Earth, that we might not rot in hell like we deserve to!